I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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