I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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