I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
