i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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