my phone needs a breathalizer
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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