everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
