dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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