I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
