i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
