I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize