hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
