my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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