im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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