I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
These tits shall not be calmed
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
