I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
