Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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