Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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