bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
