I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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