She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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