Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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