he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
