I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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