I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
