Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
