I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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