I need to stop coming to work sober
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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