The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
