My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
