I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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