made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
