Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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