How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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