got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
