I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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