I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
