My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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