Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He passed out mid-signature
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
