She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize