dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
