Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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