the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
