my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
