oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
