My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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