i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
