I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
