Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
