my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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