If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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