Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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