Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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