there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
