really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
