I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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