I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
please come you make the beer taste better
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize