that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
