my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
porn star boner night. come get it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
