got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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